So I’m on this job board for the last 2 1/2 months, reading the advice of many people and providing my own. Lessons I’ve learned over the years and using those lessons to keep moving forward. Reading other peoples advice and reading my own after posting gives me strength and courage to face what’s ahead, I hope all of you that do the same it does provide some kind of benefit. For as stronger and wiser i have become over the years, it’s natural to experience emotional flare ups after a traumatic event.

I was with the company for 12 years. When I first started, I was nervous and laser like focus to do well and work hard. Over time, I got to know a lot of people and received many accolades for my hard work and dedication, which even provided me to promotions within a short time frame. Senior leader ship, executive leader ship, everyone up and down the line got to know who I am and respected me very much. It felt fantastic to have these friendships and I always walked around with a smile I’m always trying to help people. The workload was intense, there are many times over the years that complain to my wife about it but I always push through and I got it done, no matter what the cost. At that time I used to take my work home with me, opening my laptop at the dinner table and continuing to respond to emails, working over the weekend and working while I was away and vacation. I became a workaholic. I became so wrapped up in my career, that I let it consume my life. I’m grateful that I have been able to spend some time with my wife and children, but looking back I wish I could’ve spent more with them.

Management changed three times of the 12 years, and each time it changed expectations changed, but one thing that was consistent was employee burn out. It’s just way too much for the size Steph we have on the teams. Everyone was stretched pen and pulled in 16 different directions constantly. They were people that were miserable and stayed, some left, even some got sick and had to go on disability. Noticing lack of support from leadership, little to no training from my positions and for the new text coming in, I started to burn out as well. I tried desperately to change my way of thinking, I started taking more and more vacation time hoping this would work. I stopped working at home and I stopped working on vacation. I still worked late nights, but over time I started leaving earlier and earlier. I knew I wanted to leave the company, but I was afraid to as I was making a good salary, I was promoted twice, I knew so many people and the locations of the departments, it was all very comfortable.

In third wave of management, they made a lot of changes and several people were let go. I happened to notice it was people that were older, in their positions for a long time or in the company for a long time, making a very good salary, etc. you know where I’m going with this. I realized from late last year that my head was going on the chopping block next. I should have started looking for something much sooner and harder, but I didn’t. I casually started looking at jobs outside of my work, over the years I even applied to eight or nine positions over a span of a few years within my company, but nothing panned out and I got no help from my management or HR. In the first six months of this year, I was triple teamed and they played all kind of psychological games with me, my director lying right to my face and making up stories, they were slowly emotionally and psychologically beating me down to the point where I couldn’t function anymore. In June, my career was terminated with this company.

I was very fortunate to find you a job within 30 days, it was a consultant and it took me a while to adjust. It was a polar opposite of my last job, it was so slow I was bored out of my mind. The dress code was so laid-back I found it unprofessional. I had to make up my own work and wanted to stay busy. It was so quiet, I’m not exaggerating I could literally hear the seconds hand moving on the wall clock. In the meantime, I have gone to a job fair two weeks before I was terminated, with a company that I was working with while at my last company. I spoke to the VP said he was going to look into getting a position approved for me that was being created. Once again I was very fortunate and was provided a job offer with this company for the same position. As in waited as I should’ve been, they offered me a salary much less than I expected. I wanted to walk away right then and there and discussed and disappointment. I had applied to a little over 50 companies with some responses, if you were phone interviews and less than a handful of second interview opportunities. I had nothing else to fall back on, the consultant position wasn’t going full time anytime soon and I didn’t know when it will end. I felt like I had no choice but to except it.

I am now with this company two weeks, they are training me and have provided me a lot of overtime. VP called me to his office for follow-up and told me he didn’t want me to feel overwhelmed and take them to log on me, but it was only to show me an overview of how they do in business. He explained everything else would come slowly and they would probably give me more responsibility over time. Although I felt better after talking to him, I can’t help but think why did he say this to me? Did I look overwhelmed concerned? Are they deathly afraid of losing me and need to fill this role desperately?

Over the last 2 1/2 to 3 months, I have felt like I’ve been floating in June, anxiety levels rising and falling, going through a mixed bag of emotions including rage, anger, frustration, sadness, depression, fear and trying to stay positive this entire time. I truly feel like I’m going through post dramatic stress disorder. Maybe I’m not realizing how huge this is, maybe my brain is making it huge. Approaching 50, my wife and my therapist both said as you get older, you do become more aware of things and have a heightened sensitivity. Things like this wouldn’t have bothered me when I was younger. As I spend more time with this company, I am slowly starting to feel better. There are times when I’m perfectly fine and I feel very confident, there are the times where I am fearful and worried and feel like I’m floating in the dream, afraid of getting fired again, afraid of getting burnt out, afraid if I’m going to like this company and its people. I feel like a nervous little mouse and that is not my character.

I am very thankfulfind work so quickly after this happened, but I feel like I didn’t give myself a chance to take off some time and just relax. There are days that I don’t want to work, I don’t want to do anything except sleep and lounge around in my sweatpants. But then I feel financial pressures of having to pay bills. My wife is an extremely understanding person and does not drive expectations like that, she is very understanding and is being very supportive.

I would please like to hear from each of you your experiences and if you can relate, as well as your advice which I’m always willing to listen to. I apologize for the very long winded post, however it is therapeutic, it’s full transparency so you can know what goes on in another person‘s head and I am being very open with all of you. I know that all of us have our crosses to bear, and I will continue to be as supportive as I can for each of you. God bless.